For Professional First Time Parents, with love

After a quick search on the web for articles to help out a stressed out new dad I know, I couldn’t find exactly what I wanted. So I wrote this for him. Sorry if it’s a bit rough!

Good parents tend to be 100% relaxed, patient, and have a healthy sense of humour centered on bodily excreta. They never complain, always look chipper and their kitchens resemble an Ikea showroom.

Bollocks.

No parent, no matter what kind of show they’re putting on for their friends, is 100% serene Julie Andrews from Sound of Music. Parents in the know are all secretly aiming for one thing - “Good Enough Parenting” (Shhh! You didn’t hear that from me!). In order to get there, sometimes it helps to remember that good parents aren’t like on TV, that nobody ever knows how hard it is until they’ve done it, that a lot of your friends with kids probably made it look easier than it really is, and that perhaps your expectations were a little high.

Unrealistic expectations are, I’m afraid, a bog ordinary occurrence for first time parents. With my first little charmer, I thought I’d do my exams while eight and a half months pregnant, have by baby in the holidays and be back at Uni for second semester one week later! As you can probably imagine, that plan didn’t work out to well. I ended up so stressed, tired and out of my mind that I threw my precious bundle in a fit of frustration. To be fair, I didn’t throw him very far, and I made sure he landed on something nice and soft. But I still threw him, and I still cringe inside when I think about it. To this day I fervently wish that I’d known then what I know now, so, perk up your ears…

One of the biggest problems new parents seem to have, the one that pops up on blogs and chat rooms all over the world, the one that most good parenting books now devote at least one, if not their first chapter to (believe it or not I’ve actually checked this - don’t ask) is the Bad Bad Parent syndrome, or as I like to call it The Bad Parent Guilt Cycle. The Bad Parent Guilt Cycle is born of expecting far too much from oneself and is most common in professionals who, pre-baby, were very much in control of their lives. These parents beat themselves up for not living up to their own (frankly naive) expectations. They berate themselves with the same zeal and passion for success that they put into their working lives, so they're usually quite successful at reducing themselves to a stressed out blathering mess of weepy guilt and low self esteem. Of course, this doesn't fit their picture of the perfect parents they know they should and can be so they beat themselves up some more... and so begins the Bad Parent Guilt Cycle.

This situation would be bad enough in itself if it weren't compounded by a life shattering new addition to your family who is renown for being sensitive to the mood of the carer. The worse off you are emotionally, the more the little bleater is going to be unsettled, and thus the new addition adds it's contribution to the cycle. You can't settle the little screamer and you beat yourself up some more...

Fear not. There is a cure. It's called coming down from your perfect parent fantasy cloud and being nicer to yourself about stuff. This is harder than it sounds. This is because the desire to be a good parent is for the most part a biological imperative and that's a strong current to swim against. You'll just have to trust me that if you try, you'll end up a better parent.

Here is my list of things you probably beat yourself up about, and probably shouldn’t.

YOU’RE NOT A BAD PARENT IF:

The dishes/clothes/floors etc aren’t done - if you’re sane and the baby is thriving you’re doing a fantastic job. Remember in the good old days you’d be surrounded by grannies and aunts who would swoop in and take over the household chores for a bit

You start giving the pets less attention and develop a neanderthal urge to protect your offspring from them - this feeling will pass and as long as your pets are fed and watered they will survive it

You feel tired 100% of the time - well der

The sleep deprivation makes you bad tempered - sleep deprivation is a form of torture, of course you’re bad tempered

You can’t stop your baby crying - sometimes babies don’t want to stop crying, try thinking of the beautifully healthy lungs your little charmer is developing

You accidentally let your baby sit in a pooey nappy for more than ten minutes - stop beating yourself up! With disposables the way they are these days, you have to actively TRY to get a case of nappy rash, you’d have to let them sit in their poo all day for a few days running, life is hard enough, don’t internally harangue yourself over harmless slip ups. If you need perspective as to what harmless is, call someone sensible

You don’t bath your baby for a few days - as long as a baby’s creases are wiped, they can go for ages without immersion in water

You call a friend and ask them to take your baby for a walk to the park for an hour so that you can sleep - this is not abandonment, this is looking after yourself so that you can be a better parent

…Aaand here is my list of don’ts. I’m guilty of all of them myself….

YOU COULD IMPROVE AS A PARENT IF:

You refuse all help and insist on going it alone, this is not only unnatural for humans; it’s bad for your mental health and therefore bad for your baby.
You blame yourself for the baby’s incessant tears
You blame yourself for not coping with the tiredness
You blame yourself for the baby’s latest spots, rashes, runny nose or hiccups
You blame yourself for being powerless to help the baby feel better
You blame yourself for anything really - beating yourself up about things you can’t control makes you feel worse and wastes energy perpetuating the harmful guilt cycle. The guilt cycles make for bad tempered depressed parents and such parents make for fretful babies. Use the energy you’re putting into beating yourself up to break the guilt cycle (see below)

TIPS TO BREAK THE BAD PARENT GUILT CYCLE:

1. You need to put energy into looking after yourself in order to have energy to look after a baby. Spending a little energy sowing the seeds for your rest time results in a bumper harvest of energy for parenting. Just think, if all the energy that was going into beating yourself up for being a stressed parent was redirected into using your resources to organise rest time, you might end up less stressed and break the cycle. Some useful resources are:

a) get relatives or friends to take the baby for a walk (at least an hour), they’ll be thrilled at the privilege and you’ll be able to sleep. If you’re worried your precious gem will be starved and abused, express milk and make sure the person is trained in nappy changing

b) request food from friends, or get to like baked beans on toast, remember that relinquishing the gourmet lifestyle is temporary sacrifice that will give you more time for sleep and make you a better parent, use delivery services, most local grocers have one now, if your local doesn’t, offer them a delivery fee (average seemed to be $15 last time I checked) you might be their first delivery customer! Coles Online is also adequate for things like shampoo and baby powder (though I don’t know anyone who uses that anymore)

c) if someone offers to do something say YES or rather, YES PLEASE. Delegate, delegate, delegate. Teach friends who drop in how you do your dishes so that next time they can hop in without asking. If they’re going to the shops put in an order. Your priority is sleeping so that you can be a relaxed parent, your priorities are not martyrdom or superparenting - leave that to the loonies. It might help to remember that a lot of people like doing stuff for people with new babies, it gives them a sense of participation and importance (think of it as boosting your friends’ self esteem). Personally I think this sense is as hardwired as maternal hormones, a village survival instinct.

d) perspective is everything, if you think you’re making a mountain out of a molehill, pick up the phone and ask someone you trust (my cousin called several people and took a kind of poll once - whatever works)

AND FINALLY THE SANITY SAVER:

3. Babies have a basic set of needs, food, comfort (dry and warm), and human contact (cuddles). If you’ve met all these and they’re still crying, AND you think you’re about to lose it, the following steps have helped millions of parents:

a. do what you need to do to ensure they’re not sick (take their temperature, call another parent, nurse online, your doctor, maternal health, whatever it takes to reassure YOU)

b. stick them safely in their cot, where they can wail to their hearts content (remove teddy’s and blankets so you know they can’t thrash, roll and smother - you need to know that your little critter will be safe)

c. make yourself a cup of tea, warm milk, or whatever your poison, alcohol is not recommended for people who are already stressed out - sorry!

d. go out into the garden or somewhere where the crying is but a faint reminder of the little charmer’s existence (it sounds odd, but make sure you can still HEAR them, this reassures you that the little blighter is quite alive and healthy and you can relax knowing that if they’re capable of that much noise, they’re not at death’s door)

e. sit, lie down, do yoga, sniff the new lime flowers, pull a few weeds, admire the clouds, stand in the rain, whatever works for you

f. drink tea, sip slowly, try to think about something else, this is YOUR tea time. If you can’t think about something else, pretend to, you’ll be amazed how often that actually works. The cup of tea is important because it gives a time frame for the rest, if you’re fretting about leaving your little critter to cry (let’s face it, who doesn’t fret about it? Those who say they don't are lying IMHO), finishing the cup of tea gives you a “time to go back” and enforces the break. Scalding hot tea that is gulped down like a yardglass of beer on graduation night doesn’t count as a rest!

g. don’t go back until you feel recharged and able to cope, or they’ve stopped crying. The reason for the latter criteria is that if they’re quiet you’re going to want to check that they’re ok. You might be pleasantly surprised to find that your little charmer has gone off to sleep without you! If they don’t stop crying, definitely don’t go back until you feel up to being the patient, loving and comforting parent you want to be.

These steps save lives. If you feel you’re about to explode (and what new parent hasn’t felt it?) being a good parent means recognising the signs and removing yourself from the situation - PRONTO.

That’s it. My times up, my own little cutie is awake. Hope it’s helped! Good luck, and remember, call me if you need something, you’ll do wonders for my self esteem ☺