Pondering the occasional well-timed smacking.

We are mostly nonsmackers in our house, reserving the smack for the life threatening actions (running on to the road) and occasions where the parents are too tired to negotiate. It's rare, but if I say, "Mummy is getting too cross and if you don't listen I'm going to give you a smack." It gives the kids a clue that they're pushing the limits. We rarely have to follow through. We never do the explosive out of the blue smack, that's scary and unproductive. We give warnings, and we do what we say we are going to do. The kids know this and respect it 99% of the time which is pretty good I reckon.

Today my 2yo and I are at loggerheads. Again. This time over getting dressed after her swimming lesson. I reason with her (you'll be cold, the car will be wet, Mummy has to get home and clean, you have to get home and have lunch, how can we do those things if you don't get dressed?) over and over. All I get is stalwart refusal over and over, rising in pitch and volume every time. I'm not going to forcibly undress her, she'll fight and get hurt. So, it's time for threats (or in politically correct speak, consequences). I don't ever make a threat I don't intend to carry out as I believe it makes for ineffectual parents. Kids cotton on to you reaaaal quick - Dad's not really going to throw me into the tumble dryer/leave me at the zoo on my own/make me sleep in the shower....

There's a limited amount you can do in a public change room so I raise my voice slightly over the single-minded 2yo naysaying and tell her this: "If you don't get dressed, I will pick you up as you are, take you to the car and plonk you in it. It will be cold, you will be uncomfortable, Mummy will be cross and there will be no nice things when you get home."

2yo weighs this up in her head and decides to give it a go.

Because I'm wearing black and I don't want chlorine all over my clothes, and I'm carrying two bags, when I pick her up it's pretty uncomfortable so she starts to scream. I carry her screaming to the car, manage to get the door open and dump her unceremoniously into the car seat, strap her in tell her that of course she's uncomfortable and it's HER fault for not getting dressed.

She screams all the way home in the car.

She screams when I get her out of the car, plonk her on our already abused couch and slam the living room door.

She's still screaming after I've opened the mail and got the kettle on. I kid you not. The girl has stamina.

When she starts throwing herself against the living room door saying she has to go to the toilet I open it up (still too angry to say words) set up the toilet for her and go back to my cup of tea.

She screams because it's hard getting her wet bathers off. I leave her to it.

She screams because she's cold and wet. I leave her to it.

Finally, she stops screaming and whimpers that she'd like to get dressed now.

So now I give the lecture. The one where I say, "See? Wouldn't everything have been much nicer if you'd just listened to Mummy at the pool?" She does the usual nodding miserably until she feels like she's been forgiven (and she's dressed and warm) then instantly cheers up. We call her little miss MPD for a reason.

After all this I'm completely shattered. I'm on to my second cup of tea and I'm blogging instead of working. Something for which I'll pay dearly later on. And I can't help wondering whether a short sharp smack on the leg at the pool would have saved both of us half an hour of screaming and misery. Either way she had to learn a lesson, and after events like today's I can't help wondering whether the non-smacking way isn't the painful and psychologically scarring way.

With a well-timed smack she might have learned that she'd taken it too far and that she'd better hop out of her bathers quick smart next time or she'll get another one and they're not nice. With the non-smacking method she learns that on occasion she can scream her heart out and Mummy won't care (I was pretending but she doesn't know that), she learns about the powerlessness of being locked in a room at someone else's whim, and being left wet and cold to freeze in order to learn a lesson about the consequences of not getting dressed. When I put it this way, the latter sounds more like torture than the well-timed smack.

My Therapist is on FaceBook - my plight. Those after Ethics can scroll to the end.

Hi all, I had to remove this page.

However, since it was extremely popular and apparently useful to patients and practising therapists alike I have decided to make an emailed copy available. Just send me an email at emervents@gmail.com with "Therapist" in the subject header and I will email you a copy, usually within 24 hours.

I will not keep your email address.

Cheers

Emervents