Don't child-proof the world, world-proof the child.

This is ace. Striking a balance is hard though.

A bit of TV for toddlers could go a long way...

I often feel guilty about sitting my toddler in front of the Wiggles when I want to get things done or need a bit of "me time". However, when I read articles about this kind of child abuse, I feel ok about it. I'm sure this kid would have wished his mother had dealt with the extreme frustration parenting can bring by sitting him in front of the TV for half an hour - better than a punch in the face.

My first toddler was an angel, a little whisper in his ear brought on the most sickeningly angelic behaviour by my friend's kids standards. So it was hard for me to understand my friend's frustration. Not that I was judgmental; I'd read all the relevant books and I knew how lucky I was. My second child is far more militant, and now I completely understand the screaming red rage that an innocent child can bring out in you just by being their "growing-up", "inquisitive", "discovering independence" selves. My toddler can hit raw nerves using her voice alone - she's a master - by the end of the day I can be an emotionally exhausted wreck. I now view my friend with a deep respect and awe for the way she managed to keep her cool in the face of "very active toddler" behavioural issues.

If I can lose it to the degree that I know my toddler and I need to be separated NOW or very bad things will ensue. I cannot imagine what it would be like to be in that situation and have the crippling disadvantages of drug addiction (read, lack of control over actions) and a lack of parenting education.

If parenting education and drug rehab is too expensive, perhaps we could hand out wiggles DVDs and the means to play them? Wouldn't it be nice if that were a viable solution? :-(

Too much to ask of teachers?

My son's primary school has just redefined "Caring" and "Responsibility" and found a new way to piss off a mum with a logic major.

Dear Principal,

With regard to the converstion we had about the treatment of my son’s injured eye at school on Tuesday.

While I understand teachers’ reluctance to administer all but the most basic first aid on the premises, (in my opinion, even this extra responsibility is not covered by your salaries). I must confess to being more than a little irritated at the reason you gave me for your refusal. Just so we’re clear, I’m not irritated by the refusal itself (though it means my son will have to stay home while I work from home for the rest of the week), I just can’t let shoddy reasoning go by unremarked.

You claim that there are no staff that are medically trained on the premises, so nobody could put ointment on my son's lower eyelid. According to the doctors at the Eye and Ear Hospital, the only qualification required for this simple procedure was gardianship of a child. Of the thousands of medical practitioners in Australia, you would be hard pressed to find one who required that a parent obtained a medical degree before applying eye ointment. In the words of my own doctor, “A trained monkey could apply eye ointment.” So, that you have no medically trained staff is not a good reason for refusing, in fact, it’s rather bad. You could probably get your grade five kiddies to prove this with ven diagrams.

Here are three really good reasons for refusing that I thought were probably lurking in the background:

a) in the rather sad social environment where suing after an accident seems to be the knee jerk reaction of selfish people looking for someone to blame and vent their anger on, and as a result no one wants to take on any responsibility for anything, we’d rather not take responsibility for treating something as important as an eye, besides…

b) haven’t you been reading the news? We’re worked off our feet and underpaid as it is! we simply don’t have time to administer medication as well, sorry… and...

c) if he needs treatment every four hours, should he really be at school at all?

But of course, in this politically correct environment you couldn’t say those things without accusing me of being: a) the suing type, b) one of those thoughtless people who imagine teachers have all this free time on their hands to devote to their child, or c) a bad mother. However, personally, I would have preferred a bit of honesty over a reason that was logically ridiculous.

It amazed me that the doctor at the Eye and Ear Hospital thought it would be best that he go straight back to school, I wouldn’t be surprised if it amazed you too. Maybe she assumed the school would have a nurse, though it is more likely that she didn’t think about the logistics of four hourly ointment application at all.

For me, coming in to the school from university takes one hour out of a precious four and a half hour time slot, so in order to save a few precious minutes I have decided keep my son with me and work from home (while trying to avoid the temptation of the pool in the heat!). His absense will be sad for his buddy of course, but since I have a rather large dealine looming and extremely limited time slots in which to complete my task I see no other alternative. My son will resume school on Monday by which time he will not need the ointment or I willl have taught him to apply it himself. He said that he might be asked to speak about his experience at assembly and I wouldn’t want him to miss out on that.

Kind regards,

me

It will be interesting to see if they make it to the end of the letter and get the vital information :-) i.e. son will not be at school!

For Professional First Time Parents, with love

After a quick search on the web for articles to help out a stressed out new dad I know, I couldn’t find exactly what I wanted. So I wrote this for him. Sorry if it’s a bit rough!

Good parents tend to be 100% relaxed, patient, and have a healthy sense of humour centered on bodily excreta. They never complain, always look chipper and their kitchens resemble an Ikea showroom.

Bollocks.

No parent, no matter what kind of show they’re putting on for their friends, is 100% serene Julie Andrews from Sound of Music. Parents in the know are all secretly aiming for one thing - “Good Enough Parenting” (Shhh! You didn’t hear that from me!). In order to get there, sometimes it helps to remember that good parents aren’t like on TV, that nobody ever knows how hard it is until they’ve done it, that a lot of your friends with kids probably made it look easier than it really is, and that perhaps your expectations were a little high.

Unrealistic expectations are, I’m afraid, a bog ordinary occurrence for first time parents. With my first little charmer, I thought I’d do my exams while eight and a half months pregnant, have by baby in the holidays and be back at Uni for second semester one week later! As you can probably imagine, that plan didn’t work out to well. I ended up so stressed, tired and out of my mind that I threw my precious bundle in a fit of frustration. To be fair, I didn’t throw him very far, and I made sure he landed on something nice and soft. But I still threw him, and I still cringe inside when I think about it. To this day I fervently wish that I’d known then what I know now, so, perk up your ears…

One of the biggest problems new parents seem to have, the one that pops up on blogs and chat rooms all over the world, the one that most good parenting books now devote at least one, if not their first chapter to (believe it or not I’ve actually checked this - don’t ask) is the Bad Bad Parent syndrome, or as I like to call it The Bad Parent Guilt Cycle. The Bad Parent Guilt Cycle is born of expecting far too much from oneself and is most common in professionals who, pre-baby, were very much in control of their lives. These parents beat themselves up for not living up to their own (frankly naive) expectations. They berate themselves with the same zeal and passion for success that they put into their working lives, so they're usually quite successful at reducing themselves to a stressed out blathering mess of weepy guilt and low self esteem. Of course, this doesn't fit their picture of the perfect parents they know they should and can be so they beat themselves up some more... and so begins the Bad Parent Guilt Cycle.

This situation would be bad enough in itself if it weren't compounded by a life shattering new addition to your family who is renown for being sensitive to the mood of the carer. The worse off you are emotionally, the more the little bleater is going to be unsettled, and thus the new addition adds it's contribution to the cycle. You can't settle the little screamer and you beat yourself up some more...

Fear not. There is a cure. It's called coming down from your perfect parent fantasy cloud and being nicer to yourself about stuff. This is harder than it sounds. This is because the desire to be a good parent is for the most part a biological imperative and that's a strong current to swim against. You'll just have to trust me that if you try, you'll end up a better parent.

Here is my list of things you probably beat yourself up about, and probably shouldn’t.

YOU’RE NOT A BAD PARENT IF:

The dishes/clothes/floors etc aren’t done - if you’re sane and the baby is thriving you’re doing a fantastic job. Remember in the good old days you’d be surrounded by grannies and aunts who would swoop in and take over the household chores for a bit

You start giving the pets less attention and develop a neanderthal urge to protect your offspring from them - this feeling will pass and as long as your pets are fed and watered they will survive it

You feel tired 100% of the time - well der

The sleep deprivation makes you bad tempered - sleep deprivation is a form of torture, of course you’re bad tempered

You can’t stop your baby crying - sometimes babies don’t want to stop crying, try thinking of the beautifully healthy lungs your little charmer is developing

You accidentally let your baby sit in a pooey nappy for more than ten minutes - stop beating yourself up! With disposables the way they are these days, you have to actively TRY to get a case of nappy rash, you’d have to let them sit in their poo all day for a few days running, life is hard enough, don’t internally harangue yourself over harmless slip ups. If you need perspective as to what harmless is, call someone sensible

You don’t bath your baby for a few days - as long as a baby’s creases are wiped, they can go for ages without immersion in water

You call a friend and ask them to take your baby for a walk to the park for an hour so that you can sleep - this is not abandonment, this is looking after yourself so that you can be a better parent

…Aaand here is my list of don’ts. I’m guilty of all of them myself….

YOU COULD IMPROVE AS A PARENT IF:

You refuse all help and insist on going it alone, this is not only unnatural for humans; it’s bad for your mental health and therefore bad for your baby.
You blame yourself for the baby’s incessant tears
You blame yourself for not coping with the tiredness
You blame yourself for the baby’s latest spots, rashes, runny nose or hiccups
You blame yourself for being powerless to help the baby feel better
You blame yourself for anything really - beating yourself up about things you can’t control makes you feel worse and wastes energy perpetuating the harmful guilt cycle. The guilt cycles make for bad tempered depressed parents and such parents make for fretful babies. Use the energy you’re putting into beating yourself up to break the guilt cycle (see below)

TIPS TO BREAK THE BAD PARENT GUILT CYCLE:

1. You need to put energy into looking after yourself in order to have energy to look after a baby. Spending a little energy sowing the seeds for your rest time results in a bumper harvest of energy for parenting. Just think, if all the energy that was going into beating yourself up for being a stressed parent was redirected into using your resources to organise rest time, you might end up less stressed and break the cycle. Some useful resources are:

a) get relatives or friends to take the baby for a walk (at least an hour), they’ll be thrilled at the privilege and you’ll be able to sleep. If you’re worried your precious gem will be starved and abused, express milk and make sure the person is trained in nappy changing

b) request food from friends, or get to like baked beans on toast, remember that relinquishing the gourmet lifestyle is temporary sacrifice that will give you more time for sleep and make you a better parent, use delivery services, most local grocers have one now, if your local doesn’t, offer them a delivery fee (average seemed to be $15 last time I checked) you might be their first delivery customer! Coles Online is also adequate for things like shampoo and baby powder (though I don’t know anyone who uses that anymore)

c) if someone offers to do something say YES or rather, YES PLEASE. Delegate, delegate, delegate. Teach friends who drop in how you do your dishes so that next time they can hop in without asking. If they’re going to the shops put in an order. Your priority is sleeping so that you can be a relaxed parent, your priorities are not martyrdom or superparenting - leave that to the loonies. It might help to remember that a lot of people like doing stuff for people with new babies, it gives them a sense of participation and importance (think of it as boosting your friends’ self esteem). Personally I think this sense is as hardwired as maternal hormones, a village survival instinct.

d) perspective is everything, if you think you’re making a mountain out of a molehill, pick up the phone and ask someone you trust (my cousin called several people and took a kind of poll once - whatever works)

AND FINALLY THE SANITY SAVER:

3. Babies have a basic set of needs, food, comfort (dry and warm), and human contact (cuddles). If you’ve met all these and they’re still crying, AND you think you’re about to lose it, the following steps have helped millions of parents:

a. do what you need to do to ensure they’re not sick (take their temperature, call another parent, nurse online, your doctor, maternal health, whatever it takes to reassure YOU)

b. stick them safely in their cot, where they can wail to their hearts content (remove teddy’s and blankets so you know they can’t thrash, roll and smother - you need to know that your little critter will be safe)

c. make yourself a cup of tea, warm milk, or whatever your poison, alcohol is not recommended for people who are already stressed out - sorry!

d. go out into the garden or somewhere where the crying is but a faint reminder of the little charmer’s existence (it sounds odd, but make sure you can still HEAR them, this reassures you that the little blighter is quite alive and healthy and you can relax knowing that if they’re capable of that much noise, they’re not at death’s door)

e. sit, lie down, do yoga, sniff the new lime flowers, pull a few weeds, admire the clouds, stand in the rain, whatever works for you

f. drink tea, sip slowly, try to think about something else, this is YOUR tea time. If you can’t think about something else, pretend to, you’ll be amazed how often that actually works. The cup of tea is important because it gives a time frame for the rest, if you’re fretting about leaving your little critter to cry (let’s face it, who doesn’t fret about it? Those who say they don't are lying IMHO), finishing the cup of tea gives you a “time to go back” and enforces the break. Scalding hot tea that is gulped down like a yardglass of beer on graduation night doesn’t count as a rest!

g. don’t go back until you feel recharged and able to cope, or they’ve stopped crying. The reason for the latter criteria is that if they’re quiet you’re going to want to check that they’re ok. You might be pleasantly surprised to find that your little charmer has gone off to sleep without you! If they don’t stop crying, definitely don’t go back until you feel up to being the patient, loving and comforting parent you want to be.

These steps save lives. If you feel you’re about to explode (and what new parent hasn’t felt it?) being a good parent means recognising the signs and removing yourself from the situation - PRONTO.

That’s it. My times up, my own little cutie is awake. Hope it’s helped! Good luck, and remember, call me if you need something, you’ll do wonders for my self esteem ☺

The Art of not getting to your In Tray

Dear readers should know that I consider myself to be a shit housewife. Absolutely crap. My adoring husband would vehemently disagree of course, but I think he's only being kind. One of the reasons I'm so shit is that I find it impossible to differentiate between work and play without a location change. Home used to be for play only, now it's for work as well and I'm not coping at all. Part of trying to cope is to be more organised at home. But since home used to be a place where I could leave behind the pedantic, organised work self, I'm having trouble getting organised in this location, and sometimes I lose all sense of perspective.

I started on the pile of things to to on my desk at 10pm this evening, only to be distracted by an item I didn't have a manila folder for.... Oh No!

The new "Organised Me" had to fix this right away by getting the good old labelling machine out. Now the label was to be for a new folder for my ten year old son who, so that he may remain anonymous, we will call Smarty Pants, because he is. Also, Smarty Pants sounds so much nicer than Spoiled Rotten Little Moaner, which would have been his title for this evening... I digress.

A folder label requires thought, many things must be considered:

1. What is the specific thing that I am making this folder for?

2. Can this thing have its own category? or would it be more efficient to create a broader category?

3. If I make a broader category, will I just end up with a bulging heifer? One that I don't have the time to split into subcategories so that it remains in my filing cabinet as a bulky ill fitting reminder of my lack of forethought?

4. What if I create a useless category so that the folder just sits there, a joke with it's one item? One that later gets absorbed into a broader category when I can't stand the sight of the lonely misfit any longer?

Sometimes the terror of making a wrong decision can put me off labelling all together and the item goes back into my inbox to await the day when I have the nerve to make a mistake, or I find a way to see into the foggy future of my filing cabinet, whichever comes first.

However! Today is a good day. Today I boldly create a category, foggy filing future be damned, and print it out. I now have a brand spanking new manila folder. They're always so full of potential, the new ones, unlike the old ones which are usually full of things I didn't really need to keep in the first place and have become bulging eye-sores. Did you think that this was my problem though? Was this the reason I didn't get to my In Tray? Oh no...

When I went to put the folder away, what did I see? Dozens of folders all *gasp* hand labelled. Of course, those who know me well would be able to tell you what I had to do next, there was no choice, I was in labelling mode, I saw labels that desperately need tidying. These labels needed to be made official looking so that next time I went to the filing cabinet I would feel that my lonely housewifely existence had a proper purpose after all, that I COULD be good at this organisation stuff, that keeping house could be made to feel more like a proper job. Because, having motivated myself through my work all my life, using my place of abode for rest and relaxation, the plummet to housewifely earth where work and play coexist was a very long drop for me, and boy does it depress me most of the time. So, the filing cabinets were to become more work-like. I was armed, I got to it.

Smarty Pants Health...Smarty Pants Banking...

Don't I have more important things to do? Nah...

Smarty Pants School Receipts...Smarty Pants Photos...

This had better be worth it.

Smarty Pants Letters & Cards...Smarty Pants Sport.......

On and on and on and finally.... BEAUTIFUL!

I pull the draw in and out a couple of times to admire the effect. Then a couple more times in order to counteract the sudden depression brought on by looking at my tottering InTray. Never mind... there's always tomorrow.. and I'm 99% sure Smarty Pants didn't have any notices needed returning.... and will you just LOOK at that beautiful filing cabinet drawer...